WEIGHING HEAVILY ON MY MIND (lengthy post)

"SISTA BIG BONES" sung by Anthony Hamilton is one of my favorite songs. As far back as I can remember I have always been mindful of my weight. Maybe I should say I’ve been concerned about my appearance. This has been an issue up to a few days ago. Can you believe I have been dealing with this nonsense for close to 28 years? This is the main reason I want to work with young females. Having low self-esteem can lead to a lifetime of mistakes and hurt.

In the early part of the summer in 1984, I experienced a tragedy. At that time, I didn’t tell anyone. I carried that weight around for years (literally). For the remainder of that summer I stayed in Virginia with family. This is when I started using food for comfort. This is also when I became ashamed of my body.

When I returned home, the neighbor looked at me and said, “Wow, you’ve gained weight. Your thighs are rubbing together.” Although, he probably wasn’t saying it to be hurtful, it planted a seed of low self-esteem and shame. There I was dealing with “The Secret”, doubting my decisions and thinking my body was the blame. This was confirmation (so I thought). From that moment, I began hiding my thighs, to the extreme of carrying a towel around to cover them while I was sitting. I also started eating more as a means to self-mutilate.

Over the years, I continue to use food for comfort. Whenever I experienced terrible thing I used food to cope. Finally, the weight became more than my body could handle. I was advised to have the Gastric Bypass Surgery. I did. I lost 140 pounds. This was not an easy way out as many people thought. Over a 10-year span, I gained 40 of it back. I’ve had four surgeries, became allergic to seafood (my FAVORITE food), suffer with arthritis in my knees and have to deal with more aches and pains than most people my age.

So what’s the point of this blog post? There are two reasons. One, I’ve decided to just accept my body for real this time. I am a woman with curves. I came from a long line of large frame, hippy and full breasts women. I can’t expect to be tiny when my bones and booty weigh a lot right by themselves. My thighs fight each other when I walk. And, my days of wearing stilettos are long gone. I have arthritis in my knees and daily pain, therefore I will just have to adjust my diet, daily activities, exercise, and sense of style to accommodate it. That’s until God heals me or my knees are replaced. I will focus on getting healthy. I am already blessed not to have some of the other health problems that are usually associated with not being the world’s ideal size such as hypertension, high cholesterol or active diabetes.

Two, never allow anyone to change how you view yourself. Someone’s opinion does not make it true. If we concentrate more on being healthy and less about our dress size we would save ourselves a lot of anguish. God made each one of us just the way He wanted us. Some have blue eyes. Some are tall and some are short. Some were meant to be small and some of us were meant to be thick, big-framed, and curvaceous. DEAL WITH IT! 

 In all things pray and seek the Lord. Allow Him to help you make decisions-not Kooley! These are just my thoughts, opinion and experiences.