ALL I EVER WANTED

All I ever wanted was to be loved.          

                All I ever feared was love finding me.           

All I ever wanted was to have someone to explore my wholeness.

                All I ever feared was being vulnerable enough for someone to get to know all of me.

All I ever wanted was to enjoy my present.

                All I ever feared was having to accept my past.

All I ever wanted was the ability to trust someone.

                All I ever feared was giving my trust to someone that didn’t deserve it.

All I ever wanted was to trust my own decisions.

                All ever feared was not being able to recover from a bad decision.

All I ever wanted was someone to make love to my soul.

                All I ever feared was being raped of my identity.

All I ever wanted was to be heard.

                All I ever feared was being mute in the eyes of the one I love.

All I ever wanted was to express myself with words.

                All I ever feared was that my words fell on deaf ear.

 All I ever wanted…

          


In all things pray and seek the Lord. Allow Him to help you make decisions-not Kooley! These are just my thoughts, opinion and experiences.

STRIPPED OF ALL THINGS

I went. I traveled.

Now, I must be homebound. 

I shopped. I’ve dress my butt off.

Now, I must get naked. 

I cooked. I’ve overeaten.

Now, I must fast. 

I drank. I’ve gotten drunk.

Now, I must get “on the wagon”. 

I seduced. I’ve been promiscuous.

Now, I must be celibate. 

No longer can I use some of EVERY THING…

…to try to drown out those MAJOR THINGS…

…that were caused by DRAMATIC THINGS…

…because I was afraid of feeling ANYTHING…

…But now, being numb no longer feels like the RIGHT THING…

It is time to work on ALL THESE THINGS…

 

…So my life can birth GREATER THINGS…

 

In all things pray and seek the Lord. Allow Him to help you make decisions-not Kooley! These are just my thoughts, opinion and experiences.

SCARS AND SCABS

Pain…some people like certain kinds…some despise all forms. Some say it is good for the soul and part of life. Others say we bring it on ourselves and we deserve what we get. I've even heard it was necessary in order to heal. Personally, I can relate from most points of views.

Like a toddler, throughout my life, I continuously “touched” things that I was distinctly taught not to touch. I looked around, thought no one was looking and went for it. I was wrong on several accounts. But, the two delusions that stand out the most are these: 1). I was being seen; God saw me and 2). TRYING to satisfy the flesh wasn't worth the trouble! There were times I knew heck well what the painful outcome would be.  Sometimes I chose to feel hurt rather than feel nothing. Because sometimes being numb is worse than feeling the sting.

As a child, I remember a mosquito bit me and the bite formed a blister. Although it itched like crazy, it caused no pain. My grandmother told me that she would need to heat a needle, burst the blister and then pour alcohol on it to prevent an infection from forming. “WHATTTT? You want me to allow you to MAKE it hurt when it isn't at the moment?” I thought. Then it hit me-at some point pain in the present might be necessary to prevent weeks of anguish/infection in the future. This is one of life's lesson I stored on the back burner to use later.

Over the years, I fell prey to various people and the pain they caused. However, I must admit, there were times I knew certain people, places and things were going to end up hurting me yet I ran towards them...head on! I started carrying around so much hurt until the weight of it caused me to become numb on the surface and infected in my soul. Then...EUREKA...I remember grandma's lesson.

In order to begin to heal I had to first stop covering the wounds up with various bandages like, anger, promiscuity, alcohol, busyness and sleep. Then, I had to scrap off the scabs by no longer pushing it to the back of my mind and/or living in denial. Next, I had to re-open the wounds. I did this by talking with a therapist (exposing my filthiness) and public forums (taking the risk of affecting others with my unpleasantness). I needed to take the risk of further contamination in order to heal properly.

People often ask if this is such a raw feeling, why do I keep exposing my afflictions? I tell them it’s so I can properly heal and to show someone that although it hurts like hell at the moment, you can survive. I know none of the things I went through were in vain. Because going through the different stages of pain allows me to identify others who also have "scabbed-over" hurts. And, just maybe while waiting on complete healing, we can help each other not feel shame and move on through the healing process...one wound at a time.

In all things pray and seek the Lord. Allow Him to help you make decisions-not Kooley! These are just my thoughts, opinion and experiences.

THE BIN

On this date last year, I was preparing to walk out of the Psych Ward! Yes, you read it correctly. I was in the "Looney Bin"..."The Nut House"..."Behavioral Health" Let me try to explain.

My mom had just closed the family restaurant after being in business 35+ years. I was trying to help her tie up those ends. Also, I was attending pre-op surgery appointments and supporting her during her surgery and recovery. On top of all that… I caught a terrible cold. Oh yeah, I had just pulled through a stressful Christmas holiday.

After staying in the hospital with my mom for three nights, I decided go home and get some sleep. If you know anything about being in the hospital you know you don’t get quality sleep (if any sleep at all) whether you are the patient or a visitor. So, I took my prescribed sleeping pill and headed to my doctor’s appointment. Don’t get your drawls in a bunch. I have a high tolerance to medication. Normally, it takes 2 ½ hours for this medicine to kick in! So, I knew I had time to attend my appointment and return home before I would feel the effects of the meds.

About 15 minutes later I sat in the office and started telling the doctor what was going on with me. Low and behold when I woke up, my husband was there in the office with me. “WHAT? He didn’t come to the appointment with me”, I thought! He sure didn’t! They called him when I passed out. 

Apparently, while I was under the influence…somewhere between being conscious and unconscious, I answered a ton of questions and the doctor thought I was apparently trying to kill myself and/or was crying out for help. NOPE, my body had just collapsed. Having NyQuil already in my system before taking my regular medication, and being DOG tired, my body had enough. Lights out!

I was given the options to admit myself (with the ability to leave at my own will) or they will would admit me and I'll be escorted by law enforcement. Of course, I chose to admitted myself.

Joel drove me there. During the ride, I ate an entire foot long sub (which is normally impossible and would cause me to be gravely ill), posted on Facebook and text a couple of folks. Which I had no idea I was doing! I was out of it.

After sleeping for almost 24 hours, I finally spoke with my husband so he could explain what I was doing in "THE BIN”. For the next couple of days, I mostly did nothing but eat three meals a day and sleep. There wasn't any "real therapy" offered to me. However, I was able to reflect on my life and write out my thoughts and feelings. FINALLY, after a few more days of rest I decided to check myself out and head home.

Once again, why am I sharing something so personal and could be held against me? Because I am not ashamed. You just never know what another person is carrying around in their heart and on their shoulders. Secondly, to warn you that you have to take care of yourself before you can fully take care of anyone else. Thirdly, to remind you that it’s better if you make the choice to relax than forcing your body to make the decision for you.

As the New Year begins, I won’t make a lot of promises that will stress me out trying to keep them. I plan to take one day at a time, thank God for a sound mind (‘cause I SAW REAL CRAZY), ask for the strength to deal with the pressures of life and the sense to know when I need to get somewhere and SAT IT DOWN!

OAN: I will neva call anyone crazy haphazardly eva again! I saw what REAL crazy looks like.

In all things pray and seek the Lord. Allow Him to help you make decisions-not Kooley! These are just my thoughts, opinion and experiences.